my gender

Not all non-binary people identify as trans, but I do. Not all trans people are non-binary, but I am.

The day I wrote this I felt like a Man, like I needed to express my Manness to the world. The day I published this I could care less, flat-gendered, nothing. At any point when I edit this, I may be feeling an urgent need to revisit some aspect of my gender that I’ve misread or miswritten. I am not my gender. I respect that some people are very much into thier gender both cis folks and trans folks – and some genderqueer folks are very much in love with gender and I love seeing that. Most of the time I just feel “non binary” or “agender” or “i dont care because nobody will get it anyways” in all of it’s empty-sounding-counfusing-sad-ness. The main thing I “feel” with most certainty on any given day is that I want a hysterectomy and it is painful when people call me a “lady” or “maam” out in public.

I never, ever feel like a woman. I am feminine, but only in some way that’s separate from Being A Woman. I can vibe with “being female” that’s something I”m proud to be. And I’d be a “fat femme” no matter “how” I was born, nobody taught me that except me.

It has taken me some time to be comfortable with expressing this in detail with those who watch my porn performances and those I do business with in the industry. Porn is my job and in many ways, the nuance of my gender doesn’t need to come up. I want those who watch me on screen to enjoy every part of me, my body, and whatever level of gender expression I’m bringing to the scene. I also want my porn costar to have that freedom with my body. Part of MY non-binary identity is loving the way that my audience can gender me any way they like while watching me. I consent to my gender being a mutable pop song to anyone who tunes in to listen. I consent to being your Goddess if you’re paying, or your Girl if you’re spoiling. I only get super dysphoric around “mommy” stuff and that’s why “nipple sucking” is generally on my no list unless I ask for it. I’ve just never, ever, felt comfortable with the thought of being “mommy.” Daddy? Yes. And in many of my porn scenes, you’ll see that. If you’re really looking.

Not every sex worker feels this way about being gendered by their clients and fans. What I say about MY gender and comfort level are NOT going to be what my trans male friends are going to say. Like I said in my first sentence, “trans” and “non-binary” are not entirely on the same plane, some trans folks are very much working with the gender binary system. Do not treat all trans people the same because you saw one say something some time. This note is about MY gender, not all gender. My gender is mutable, flexible, and playful. We are not all the same and that’s why I’m writing this. I want you to know HOW I am trans.

If transition is about movement, I have made some moves and I plan to make more. I have another name. I have established “they” pronouns. I am out. I’m not going to change physically in ways that anyone would notice, but I do plan on getting a hysterectomy to address my crippling dysphoria around menstruation/etc.

There is so little space for femme identified transmasculine folks to exist without disclaimer because it is hard to be a woman, it is hard to be a trans man, and it is inconceivable to most people to be somewhere in between – worse yet to feel like you are nowhere. To my siblings, you know who you are, making an impact in modeling/sex work/porn/performance. Thank you for being visible. I see you and I love you and you have done more for me than I think I’m even capable of expressing. I stay up late at night thinking about what can a fat femme boy even do in a world like this? You bring me back to Earth. In my heart I know this lack of visibility and access to community is part of a larger network of transphobia, fatphobia, body shaming, mysogyny, ableism, classism, and white supremacy. Some of us can refer to the academic notion of intersectionality, a big part of me wants to fall back on the cheesy patriotic “divided we fall united we stand cliche, but in my heart i just want to go back to the first time i ever won an award for making a porno and i got up on that stage and i said, “we all belong here.” and i meant it. for you, and for me too.

photo by chloe aftel