“What Was Your First Exposure to Porn and How Did It Inspire You?”

I get this question in interview requests, so I thought I’d put up some of my thoughts here. I’ll edit when I can.

I’m completely inspired by own interests in queer sex first and foremost. I’m curious about it – desperate for my own every once in a while just like everyone but most certainly always QUESTIONING sex. It is a desperate desire for knowledge that comes from positive and negative places. I’ll try to give you one of each right now.

I’m a 90’s porn kid, used to seeing things like Pamela Anderson’s sex tape being shared on AIM accounts and watching 10 second clips of whatever I could find in P2P chat rooms on IRC. I’ve also been inspired by the lack of queer energy in these places, as I grew up into a young femme who was both interested in beautiful naked women, and interested in being in a magazines myself some day.

I was a mix between the little boy who found the porn magazines in the basement and the woman in the magazine. I still am.


I was so completely awakened to my sexual identity the second I saw the inside of my first found Playboy magazine. I must have been 9 or 10, home alone because my Dad worked 20 hours a day to make ends meet. I would come home, make myself Ramen and toast, and start getting into trouble either with arts and crafts, singing and dancing around my bedroom, playing video games with my neighbors on their system because I sure as hell didn’t have one, or poking around the nooks and crannies of the entire apartment building. This story is just like every other “little boy finds a porn stash and shows his friends” story except I was a little girl. Kind of. I was also a tomboy. I couldn’t figure out what was happening between myself and these images even though I had already known my body at that point, like it wasn’t a shock that I was stimulated – it was a shock that I was stimulated by THIS instead of accidentally falling on a gym structure or cuddling my teddy bear U KNOW?

If this response isn’t the gayest thing you’ve ever read in your entire life, I’m so sorry. I’ll try harder. Porn has always been a symbol of queer desire to me because as a queer kid I found it and it completely, positively, changed my life even if that sounds like the craziest argument anybody’s ever made on the subject. Hugh Hefner may have been macho af, but there is no doubt in my mind that ONE copy of a 1990’s Playboy magazine assured me of many things: 1. I am gay. 2. I am femme. 3. I feel like a boy sexually sometimes 4. I want to be that girl 5. I want to fuck that girl 6. I want to take pictures of that girl 7. I want to have my photos taken like that girl.

It was so simple. I just had to find a way to make it happen.