I’m A 90’s (Porno) Bitch

Introduced to the birth of internet porn around the birth of my own puberty, I used to encounter porn (Pamela Anderson’s sex tape, Girls Gone Wild among the most common) in the forms of public freebies on early websites or in file sharing chat rooms on IRC. Before the internet entered my life I was challenged by my own sexuality and the mainstream expectations of cis womanly beauty found in the Playboys and Penthouses my Dad and my friend’s Dad’s hid in their closets or the scrambled glitch porn that leaked through the cable after midnight. I grew up into a young queer person who was both interested in beautiful naked women, and interested in being in my magazines myself. I was a mix between the little boy who found the porn magazines in the basement and the model in the magazine. I still am. I mean, I *really* wanted to be in the magazines. 

I’m curious about porn and sex. I would describe it as one of my life’s deepest quests for knowledge. I was so completely awakened to my sexual identity the second I saw the inside of my first found Playboy magazine. I must have been 9 or 10, home alone because my Dad worked 20 hours a day to make ends meet. I would come home, make myself Ramen and toast, and start getting into trouble either with arts and crafts, singing and dancing around my bedroom, playing video games with my neighbors on their system because I sure as hell didn’t have one, or poking around the nooks and crannies of the entire apartment building. This story is just like every other “little boy finds a porn stash and shows his friends” story except I was a little girl. Kind of. I was also a tomboy. I couldn’t figure out what was happening between myself and these images.

Porn has always been a symbol of queer desire to me because as a queer kid I found it and it completely, positively, changed my life even if that sounds like the craziest argument anybody’s ever made on the subject. Hugh Hefner may have been an abuser and may he Rest In Discomfort, but there is no doubt in my mind that ONE copy of a 1990’s Playboy magazine assured me of many things: 1. I am gay. 2. I am femme. 3. I feel like a boy sexually sometimes 4. I want to be that girl 5. I want to fuck that girl 6. I want to take pictures of that girl 7. I want to have my photos taken like that girl.It was so simple. I just had to find a way to make it happen.