we will miss you.
we will miss you.

A really wonderful friend of mine is gone, and I don’t know how to process this without writing and sharing my love for Carlos and his family. His death has effected me deeply and the world will never be the same.

Carlos Batts is the reason why I know one of my best friends, April Flores. He made the movie that introduced me to her, he was there when I met her, and he’s been right there next to her no matter what we were doing. It’s hard to think of April without Carlos. I have no idea how a person can go on without their soulmate. I hope I never find out and I haven’t been able to stop holding my own person since I heard the news. You think once you have found the love of your life you know that you’ll love them for the rest of your life, but you never know how long that’s going to be. You may think you’ve got your whole lifetime to do all the things you wanted to do or say what you wanted to say, but that lifetime is never guaranteed to be long. So love now. Do those things now. Together Forever is right now, not tomorrow not next week not next year. This very moment. Love as hard as you can.

You guys, Carlos was fucking Awesome. Carlos had so many visions, even beyond the magic he created and released into the world. His films were political manifestos of love, lust, and hope. His art was colorful and bold and honest. His photography books were whimsical and dark and sexy. His fight for the renaissance of erotica was pure. He wanted so badly to bring beauty into our lives, he was powerful and assertive in creating change with his beautiful art. He was worthy of far, far more than he was given.

He took to my film sets like water. He understood the queer porn scene better than some of us in it. He is the only “LA Pornographer” that’s ever worked with me and our collaborations were fierce and full of fire. He helped me make beautiful, incredibly rich images and films. He brought my modeling and performances to a whole new level. I trusted him with my set in a way I’ve never been able to relinquish to a cis man. He was a feminist, a queer porn mafia soldier. And such a great fucking friend.

My heart hurts for April and her family. My love goes out to Carlos’ brothers whom I haven’t the pleasure of meeting. My love goes out to Dave and Steve and Carlos’ closer friends.

My heart hurts that there wont be any new C. Batts Fly films, I’m selfishly sad I’ll never make magic with him again.

I know that this blog entry is in no way closure for me or for anyone else. This isn’t healing any wounds, just bringing up more by reminding me what amazing moments I took for granted and things we’ll never get to do, like have an ARTCORE parade down the central paths of the AVN conference floor or shoot another masked matador sex tape or talk about feminist porn in an ivy league university or sip on milkshakes in the middle of the night, or or or.

We weren’t done with you Carlos, the world wasn’t ready for you to leave.

I’ll miss you buddy.

<3 c

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